Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Chapter 41 - Shrunken Heads

Possibly the finest keepsake and novelty item I've ever had.

Good ones can be hard to find, just be diligent, you'll find one. Maybe.

Best way I know of to show your level-headedness.

Maybe the best defense to ward off Joners.

Chapter 40 - Tattoos

Used to be just for Sailors and criminals. Now they are very popular. If you want to get a tattoo, be sure that it is not just a passing fad. It will last forever, so you'd better be prepared to wear it proudly forever.

Best I ever saw was two huge daises.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Chapter 39 - The Spork

Greatest invention of the 20th century. Eat your cereal for breakfast and your steak for dinner all with one tool.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Chapter 38 - Ring Maul

You know how exciting the Circus is. Everybody used to go to the circus. Nowadays it is sort of a throwback. You can see anything in the world on TV or the computer, so why bother to go to the circus.

I'll tell you why. That is is best (and maybe the only) place to see a real ring maul. You know what I'm talking about - the huge wooden sledgehammer with the steel bands around it to keep the head from splitting. The roustabouts at the circus use them to drive in huge tent pegs and stakes to tether elephants.

But think about the other uses. Using one to clobber somebody that you didn't care for. Using one to drive your postal supervisor into the ground, just like a big tent peg. I got to get one of those things. Next time Clyde Beatty comes to town I'm going shopping.

Chapter 37 - A Good Punch

Being a Marine, I'm partial to Rum Punch.

But actually I'm referring to the other type of punch. My Grandad was known to be one of the strongest men in Mason County. When he spoke of punching somebody he was quite descriptive. He would say that he hit someone hard enough to "Chill the Shit" in them.

That is a good punch.

Chapter 36 - Coat Tails

I once heard of a kid who was always looking for trouble.

They said he used to walk down the street dragging his coat on the ground, just looking for someone to step on his coat tail so he could clobber them.

He was once heard to tell a man that "I'll hit you in the mouth so hard it will break your ass."

I'll be careful not to step on anyones coat tail.

Chapter 35 - Pamlico County

Only residents of Pamlico County, and myself, know all the laws governing proper behavior. Many laws are overlooked by the majority of the residents. But, being a law abiding man, I make it a point to attempt to enforce all the little known laws.

For example: in Pamlico County a women's swimsuit has to be of an appropriate size to pass through the eye of a needle and not touch the sides.

A large pizza must be equal to or greater than the diameter of the steering wheel on a 1949 REO School bus.

When finishing off a keg a beer it is required that you shoot through the end and drink the last droplets that trickle out.

Whisky will be identified as 'brown' or 'white' before offering it to a man to partake.

Duck season starts when you start killing ducks.

You have to take, and pass, a night shooting course before being issued your deer tags.

But, if you actually tag your deer you will be asked to move out of Pamlico County.

White bread is referred to as "light bread".

Sweet potatoes are the norm, if you do come across a regular potato it is referred to as an "ice potato". (I think that is some derivative of Irish potato, but maybe not.)

Oyster biscuits are acceptable breakfast food.

These are pretty straight forward. Some others are a little more difficult to enforce. We'll go over them later.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Chapter 34 - Size

My Grandad commonly used the expression "he'd weigh 300 pounds with his head and feet off". Came from estimating weight when slaughtering livestock, but Grandad took it a step farther and used it to describe large people.

He would be sort of out of luck with society today. His estimates would have to go a lot higher.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Chapter 33 - Wallet

My son Kevin insists that the thicker your wallet is, the less money you have.

Could be right. I've seen rich men pull big money out of a very slender wallet.

I've also seen most of my friends pull out a 2 inch thick wallet and rummage around for a while and ask me to buy them a beer.

Chapter 32 - Key Ring

My son Kevin is convinced that the more keys you have on your key ring, the less significant you are.

He usually cites the example of a middle school janitor.

Think on it...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Chapter 31 - 5 Gallon Bucket

My Grandad commonly used the expression "his head wouldn't fit in a five gallon bucket". I guess he didn't have a lot of use for fat heads.

I don't either.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Chapter 30 - Chest Waders

They are going to leak.

Whatever type you choose; rubber, neoprene, canvas, high speed new fabric, they are going to leak after you wear them a few times. Neoprene keeps you pretty warm, but they are heavy and not so good for wading to a hunting spot. I got more years out of a pair of Herter's Service Northerner than any other kind. They were good quality rubber and easy to patch. But they were also heavy and difficult to wade any distance in.

Pick out a pair that suits your type of hunting and just plan on replacing them every third year or so.

If you happen to hunt in real shallow water where hip boots work out, you are a lucky man.

Chapter 29 - Wool

Good looking wool!

None of the new fangled, high speed, chemically engineered fabrics will ever replace wool.

I have never been able to afford many expensive hunting clothes. I'm just a notch above Walmart, but I'm doing better. When I was young I didn't need any warm clothes. Now that I am old and spent, I have some wool hunting gear. Feels pretty good on a cold winter day. Makes you look like an old timer, and you know that 'image is everything'.

Chapter 28 - Steak

In my opinion, Porterhouse is the best cut of steak.

Since we are civilized, people should learn to eat in a civilized fashion. So cook your meat thoroughly. It sickens me to see blood still running out of a piece of steak on someones plate. You don't have to cremate it, but cook it medium-well.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Chapter 27 - Breast Augmentation

It should be mandatory for all women over 18 years of age.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Chapter 26 - Artificial Joints

I am a walking barometer. An artificial hip joint can detect low barometric pressure quicker that Jim Cantore.

Glad I had mine replaced, the pain was really rough towards the end. Shame I can't PT anymore though, I hate being fat.

Chapter 25 - Trains

Trains are neat. The whole railroad system this country used to have was neat. Model trains are pretty neat too.

I haven't ridden a train for several years, but they still appeal to me. I'll take another train trip somewhere after I retire and have a little extra time.

Chapter 24 - Mead

When I was a little boy, I wanted to be a Viking when I grew up. That whole idea of berserking really appealed to me. The idea of getting full of Mead also sounded good.

When I got old enough to enlist I couldn't find any Viking recruiters so I settled for the Marine Corps. Not a whole lot of difference. Except, there was no Mead in the chow hall.

Fermented honey. Maybe the oldest form of alcoholic beverage. The Irish were ahead of the game, even back then.

Chapter 23 - Bar Food

Blind robins are my favorite. Pickled eggs are fine too. If you find the right pickled pigs feet, they are hard to beat. Of course Slim Jims, beef jerky and hardboiled eggs will help you make it when you can't take time out to eat any supper. Good salted peanuts make your beer taste a little better, but with only a few teeth left, peanuts are just a memory to me.

Chapter 22 - Lucky Strikes

LSMFT.

Finest cigarette ever made in this country. Shame the price has gotten so high. Hard to even find them anymore. I still treat myself to a carton a couple times a year.

Chapter 21 - Chewing Tobacco

If you can learn to spit, you ought to chew tobacco. If you can't spit 6-8 feet, don't even bother.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Chapter 20 - U. S. Marines

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

To seek out, close with, and destroy the enemy by fire and close combat.

Pretty simple. 243 years and counting.

Semper Fi

Chapter 19 - Boots

Buy the best that you can afford. They make a great foundation for whatever you want to do.

I've worn everything from Combat Boots to Herters to Gokey to Russell to Tony Llama. Care for the leather properly and you'll get years of wear out of them. Neetsfoot Oil is the best basic leather preservative I've ever used. For really wet conditions I prefer Snow Proof. Years ago my Grandad and I used Huberds Shoe Grease. We used to buy it at the little country store in Lewisburg, KY. It was truly the best I've ever used, but haven't been able to find it for years.

I prefer leather laces. Can't always find good ones, but when you do, you can keep them in shape for years with Neetsfoot Oil.

Once the heels start to wear down, get them replaced. You don't have to walk in a crooked heel boot for very long before you will cripple yourself.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Chapter 18 - Money

Make all you can. But don't overdo it.

If you don't take the time to enjoy the money you earn, then why bother. Don't spend foolishly, there will come a time when you NEED to go to Argentina duck hunting, or need a new gun or knife or hat.

You'll wish you hadn't spent it all on useless stuff.

Chapter 17 - Work

It is what it is. It's not fun, but it puts food on the table.

Take pride in your work. That is how America was built. The converse also applies. That is why America is struggling today.

When the Irish built this country, we were thought of as just rough laborers. Take a look at that flimsy Empire State Building for example. Those Irish construction workers should be ashamed of that one.

Doesn't matter if you deliver the mail, if you are a policeman, a mechanic or a bar keep. Do your job and take some pride in it. If every so called American followed that advice we'd be in a lot better shape today.

Chapter 16 - Children

Just like a bushel of apples, you might have a few rotten ones. Work with them the best you can, hopefully they will come around.

When they do, they are the greatest pleasure of your life.

Chapter 15 - Wives

Be very careful in selecting a wife. Be damned careful.

Chapter 14 - Hats

Put a cover on that gourd!

The Marine Corps was right about that. What is the use of having a head if you don't wear a hat? Find one that suits your character: a Derby, a Newsboy, a Campaign Hat, or any old ballcap. Just don't walk around with your head naked. For starters, your brain doesn't need the constant abuse from the weather. Always remember, "image is everything".

Chapter 13 - Jeeps

I had my CJ5 for 20 years.

I'll never get over it. Life changes, and you get civilized, but once you've owned a Jeep you'll never be completely satisfied with any other vehicle. Just last evening I saw a really nice Wrangler...

Chapter 12 - Fishing

Fish should fit in a cast iron skillet. Any bigger than that, they are too big to be good eating. Get your grease so hot it is smoking and ready to ignite. Milk and yellow cornmeal are all you need.

Live bait fishing is very relaxing. Working with lures will wear you out, but it can wear the fish out too. Learn to use a fly rod, for something other than whipping bees.

Catching crappie on minnows was probably my personal favorite. Eating fresh crappie also happens to be my favorite.

Teach your kids to fish, it will be fun all around.

Chapter 11 - Spring and Summer

Come out of hibernation.

Enjoy the new life that comes with spring. Nests of little ducklings. Young rabbits in your backyard. Bobwhite quail chicks lined out and following their mother across a dirt road. Count the spots on a new fawn. Catch a stringer of crappies before the water turns too warm.

Then suffer through the muggy, sun bleached hurricane season. Clinging on to the hope for an early fall.

Chapter 10 - Fall and Winter

When the frost is on the pumpkin and the fodder's in the shock...

Instead of the buzz of mosquitoes you hear the call of migrating geese. Instead of poison ivy you have little patches of frostbite. Ice in your beard rather than sweat on your brow. My time of year!

Chapter 9 - Night

Sit with your back to the fire.

If you stare into the fire your night vision will be ruined. You don't want to be out there and not be able to see.

There are things that live in the dark that are best left out there. The Boogie Man and the Tooth Fairy just to name a couple. Jeepers Creepers! But don't be afraid to experience the night. You might come to like what you find. Unless one of the aforementioned night stalkers finds you first.

Chapter 8 - The Water

Morris Whitfield used to say that just before the ducks started pouring into your decoys the water would turn grey. Ever see a winter storm approaching when you're on the water? He was right.

That is when you have to be on your toes. You can fish and ski and boat ride all summer and not have a care in the world. Not in the winter. That is when you and the water have to come together as partners, or you won't sleep in your bed that night.

Ever been on a ship that ran into a hurricane? Ever see water shoot through the hawse pipes and squirt the length of the ship? A word of advice, don't fill up on cheap wine in the Azores immediately before hand.

Chapter 7 - The Outdoors

When was the last time you watched the sun rise and set the same day? If you can't remember then you need a change of lifestyle.

The frostbite on your ears, the windburn on your cheeks, the blistering sunburn on your back, the numb, frozen feet, the sweat running down the small of your back. You will only partially live unless you experience those sensations. It won't happen sitting in front of a computer, open the door and get out there and live.

Chapter 6 - Beer

Enjoy your beer. But don't let it cloud your mind or control your life.

I had an alcohol problem many years ago, but I got past it. I feel lucky. Drink up, when the time is right, but don't drink just to drink.

I have two favorite beers; Pilsner Urquell, brewed in Czechoslovakia and Quilmes Crystal, brewed in Argentina. I have had a lot of different beers in my life and still remember the good ones. Tuborg from Copenhagen is really good. Of course, Guiness Stout is a fine beer. As far as domestic beer, I like Coors and Coors Light. Half/half Guiness Stout and Coors Light makes a fine glass of beer.

Chapter 5 - Knives

The knife was probably the first decent tool man ever invented. It gives you an edge :-) to have a good knife.

I own way too many knives, but I love them and keep them all sharp. I very rarely am without a knife in my pocket or on my side. I would feel naked without it. I have a couple Randall knives, a few Case knives, a couple John Primble knives, a hand made Argentina Gaucho style knife, a couple Marine Corps Kabars, a couple Marbles knives. Really couldn't tell you which is my favorite. I'd still like to have a Puma folding hunter style someday.

Chapter 4 - Guns

Since man evolved enough to be able to think, he has been carrying a gun. The destiny of the world has been and will be decided by guns. So strap yours on and tie it down, or you won't be part of the final equation.

I love guns. I have quite a few and I shoot them well. I work at it and always have. I love teaching new shooters. Taught my sons well, and some of us will teach my grandsons. The Brannen's will be standing when the smoke clears.

Chapter 3 - Dogs

If you have a dog, treat him well. If you don't have a dog, get one. If you don't want a dog, go away.

My Grandfather raised registered Walker Foxhounds for almost 70 years. He had some fine dogs. He owned a dog that won the Kentucky State Foxhunt in 1964. He was a dog man, he was a good man. The two seem to run together.

I have been very lucky to have had four fine retrievers and a couple good Beagles. I feel quite happy to have been able to share my good times with my dogs. If you see me coming, you'll likely see my dog by my side.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Chapter 2 - Friends

Unlike family, you can pick your friends. Do so, wisely.

I have traveled the world over and associated with thousands of people. The Marine Corps is a close knit group, so you can't help but to get fairly close with guys. But I never made many real friends. Craig Wallace and Dennis Chaney were childhood friends that I still maintain an email association with. Mike Devine and Jon Byrd were Coastguardsmen, they are still long distance friends. Mike McGee and Keith Montgomery were fellow Gunnery Sergeants and are some other long distance friends. Morris Whitfield was the first civilian friend I ever had. A very good friend until his death a couple years ago. Kelly Murphy started out as a co-worker, but turned into a hunting partner and my closest friend.

Don't be too quick to dissolve a good friendship over life changes. Paths will almost certainly go different directions. But a true friend, someone you want to tell about a good hunt, will always appreciate sharing your experiences with you, no matter how many miles are between you or behind you.

Chapter 1 - Family

Be glad you have a family. You don't have to be happy with your family all the time. But never, ever forget that they are your blood.

My family came to this country from County Sligo. My great-great grandparents, Thomas and Anna Brannen came over in the mid 1800's. We think they settled near Falmouth, Kentucky. Some records show that my great grandfather Mike was born in Falmouth, but memories of the family say he was born in Mayslick, KY. Either way he lived most of his life in Mayslick. The little settlement used to be called North Fork, because the north fork of the Licking River passed through there. Falmouth is on the Licking River (just about where it runs into the Ohio River) so it is quite possible that the family moved around the area some; possibly explaining the confusion on where my great grandfather was born.

He owned a farm on Mill Creek, the house is still there. He worked as a teamster. That apparently was the family business, and it went well enough for all the family in his generation to be able to own land. He was married to Elizabeth Maglone. They had eight children.

My grandfather Thomas was one of the younger children. He stayed on the farm with his father while the other children moved away, went to school, started their own lives. It was understood that the farm on Mill Creek would be his share of the family wealth. But his older siblings saw it differently. When their parents passed away they sat down and decided to divide up everything. One-eighth of the farm wasn't enough to make a living so the farm was sold and the money divided between them. It was during the Great Depression, so the money amounted to nothing. Thusly, my fork of the family tree was the poor branch. Thomas married Agatha Ritchie. They had three sons. My grandfather lived his entire life in Mason County, KY. He farmed when he could, worked as a carpenter for the State, building old wooden bridges. In his latter years he was a foreman for a highway crew. Never lost his love for farming. Never gave up on his family, even though they had forsaken him.

My father, Mike, loved the farm. But had to make a living, so after a few years in the Navy he married Martha Tully and they had four sons. Dad moved to Dayton, OH and was a policeman there. He never got over having to leave Mason County.

I grew up in Maysville, KY, then Dayton, OH, then I joined the service. I retired from the Marine Corps in Jacksonville, NC and made this my home. Married Vicki Lewis from Dayton, have three children and five grandchildren (as of right now).

I wouldn't begin to tell you that the Brannen's have had a happy time for the last 200 years. But we are still here, still working, and only a few hours from each other in times of need. It doesn't matter that I have a cousin that I haven't see for almost 40 years. If she needed something, I am only a phone call away. County Sligo is only a phone call away for that matter. If you were born a Brannen you are MY family.